Coping with Loss and Grief, My Way

Last month, the Covid 19 Pandemic struck close to home! My son's in-laws in India (5 from one family) were infected. Tragically, the father passed away in the first week, followed by the mother four weeks later. The daughter, her husband and their child survived. 

Being close to us, the daughter called us last week, to share her anguish at the bereavement, hoping for some words of solace! At that time my wife and I were at a complete loss of words to console her. But thinking about it kept me awake several nights, and finally I decided to write this post.

I don't know whether this post will be a consolation or not, since according to my wife, I am not normal when it comes to feelings! 

I do admit that I use my head more than my heart (which makes me seem cold and aloof), as described in my earlier post 'Muddling Through Life'.

1. Celebrating Life

I found that the idea of celebrating the life lived, instead of mourning the passing of a loved one, was a great way to console ourselves! Thinking of all the good times we had together, instantly awaken sweet memories. This is a great antidote to misery and depression.

NOTE:  By the way, this method happens to be one of the Happy Living Tips called "Change Channels", that I have written about!  Just as when watching TV, if we find a program upsetting or boring, we immediately change channels to one that we like!  Similarly we can change our thoughts from sad or angry, by choosing to think of happier thoughts! By regular use, this technique becomes habit, and we are able to maintain our peace and calm even under trying circumstances.

I saw an example of this first-hand when my good friends (let's call them Alan and Betty), lost their teenage son to cancer, some years back! At the memorial service, my friends put up a board, displaying a lot of photos of them and their son having fun, going on holidays and so on. The mother even managed to give a talk in memory of their son! 

Most of us won't have been able to do this - we would be too busy with self-pity and complaining about how unfair the world was to take a boy at that age! I was amazed at their courage and fortitude in celebrating his life. 

According to some close friends, it seems that towards the end, it was their son (having gracefully accepted the inevitable), who often cheered his parents up, and gave them the peace of mind to cope with his loss!

That incident was a great inspiration to me to 'have the grace to accept the inevitable', when trying to cope with loss!

2. The Philosophical Outlook

I have proposed several times in my books, and this blog as well, the idea that 'life is like a school or university' for the growth of our soul! When viewed in this way, we can view death as getting promoted to a new school, or a new adventure for the continued evolution of our soul!

A simple analogy would be that of a student receiving a scholarship, and having to leave home for a university overseas. Would that be a cause for celebration or for mourning? Of course we would be sad at the departure, but we would be happy for the student's future! 

When I told my wife this, she said "However, the student will be coming back! But death is permanent, isn't it? There is no coming back! Thus we cannot compare the two!"

A very valid statement indeed, to which I would answer that, even while living there are many things we lose permanently and can never get back! Let me illustrate with a personal story below.

Nostalgia:

When my wife and I babysat our first grandchild, for a couple of years from her birth, she became close to us, especially to me. On one occasion, I remember attending a wedding at Batu Caves, when she was just one year old. My son was carrying her when she noticed me, even amidst the large crowd, and started pointing excitedly to me, asking to be brought to me! I was amazed that the child could recognize one face among dozens in the big crowd.

On another occasion, my son and his family from KL, were to meet my wife and me for dinner at a mall in Klang.  When we came out of the elevator, my grandchild - then almost two years of age - got down from her dad's arms, and started running towards me with unsteady steps, right into my arms. I lifted her up and she cuddled up to me. At that moment I felt my heart expand with true joy and unconditional love - I am sure many grandparents can relate to the feeling!

Now my question is this: "No matter how much I want my grandchild to become a toddler again, and lavish her innocent love on me, will that ever happen?"  The answer is NO!

Because that is an experience we can never have again. She can still love me as her grandpa, when she is a pre-teen, a teenager, or a young woman,  but it would never be the same as when she was a toddler!

This is true at every stage of life - we can never get back an experience we once had, even if the people involved in the experience are still alive! Which is why it is vital to enjoy and appreciate each and every relationship, and every experience as and when it happens. 

This is what I meant when I said that "even when living, there are many things we can never get back and are lost permanently."

We can only hold on to our wonderful memories, but we cannot hold on to the people involved! Thinking thus helps me let go of people who are physically gone on!

3. My View of the Soul

The following quote is taken from my book Back to GOD, Away from Religion, and describes how I view the Soul:

"The material world is equally as important as the intellectual world or the spiritual world. To say only the spirit and the afterlife matters is to deny the truth! 

"If only the spiritual mattered, then why would our souls need this body? And why would we be given the five senses to experience the material world? 

"But GOD did provide humans with the five senses which we are meant to use to interact with the material world, while progressing on the evolutionary growth of our soul."

Therefore I think that my soul took on this life, in this three-dimensional world of time-space, in order to grow and evolve and have fun in the process! All the experiences of living, (including the challenges, the joys, and sorrows, the achievements, the failures) are what help my soul to grow. 

In death, I believe that my soul moves on to the next phase of life. I don't know where, but because I believe in a benevolent GOD (and not a vindictive one as described by religions), it does not matter where! I am quite sure that the next phase of the life of my soul too will be just as good, as life here has been, or better!

From the above paragraph, you can see why I find it difficult to mourn death, the way most people do!

The fact is we don't have to mourn for the soul of the departed - it has already gone on to its next phase of evolution! Therefore, the only reason left to mourn for is our own personal feeling of loss - i.e. feeling sorry for ourselves.

Summary:

The above are a few of the ways I use, to cope with loss and grief. I hope some of them may be of use to the reader too.

* Celebrate the lives and good times we spent with the dear departed, rather than focus on them being gone!

* Accept the Inevitable. This is the basis of finding inner peace - if you cannot change something, stop worrying about it, and just accept that it is meant to be! 

As the saying goes: "Change the things that you can change; Accept the things that you cannot change; and above all Know the Difference between what you can change and what you cannot!"

* I like to Believe that my Soul is moving on to the next stage of its evolution!  Just like being promoted to a higher class or new college or university.

* I Have no Fear about where my Soul will go to after death! This is because I trust in the goodness and benevolence of GOD, to take me to a place, that is ideal for my soul, at that level of my evolution!

Thus, I find that using my head (being rational and philosophical) and my heart (to hold on to the wonderful memories), in balance helps me cope with loss and find peace of mind.